Open Question: Please Help rate my story!?

Hey my friend and I decided to do that expand and write your own story on an existing novel sorta thing. Anyway we chose twilight. (omg) and I’ve written one chapter of it. The person who gets the most favourable reviews wins ten bucks. So I’m cheating. Can anyone rate my story and suggest how to make it better? Fix any gramtical mistakes. Ty in advance. Here it is:

A Love Story
Bella’s POV
I breathed in Edward’s scent, though faint and subtle; it still had a mesmerizing affect on me. He lay there, gently stroking my face and gazing into my eyes, trying to see what I was thinking. I leant in, unable to withstand the close proximity any longer. I gently started to kiss his neck, unaware of my growing intensity. In a flash, I was gently pushed away by a cautious Edward. “Careful Bells.” He muttered. I understood what he meant, but was still unable to keep a sense of rejection spreading through me. His beautiful, topaz eyes reflected his concern. “You know I can’t do this Bella, you have no idea how much it’s hurting me.” I huffed. “Well stop hurting and give in” I murmured warmly. I moved in closer again, intent on getting what I wanted. I was surprised when I encountered no resistance from Edward, only an intense passion as he held my face close to his; placing his smooth, cool lips onto mine.
My heart skipped a few beats as he pulled me impossibly closer, brushing his lips over my cheeks and neck, exploring my features. He started kissing me with an intensity I had never felt before, while he unbuttoned his shirt; revealing a perfectly sculpted chest. Hard as rock and marble white, I let my hands wander downwards and over onto the top of his back. His kisses moved down to my neck, and he started to remove my clothes. My breaths were coming in ragged, short gasps. “Are you sure you want to do this?” I asked, on his behalf. “I’ve never been so sure in my life” he replied, his eyes transfixing mine, never once leaving my face as he caressed my body. He removed the rest of his clothes, and he looked breathtakingly beautiful in the moonlight that seeped in through the window.
I wasn’t worried about Charlie; Edward would warn me if he woke up. What I worried about was that if I would be able to stop myself from continuing if he walked in. I looked at his body, amazement and awe in my eyes at what I saw. He saw my expression. “What?” he asked with a grin. I realised I had been staring. “Oh. Nothing.” I replied as I looked away and blushed. He smirked. I cursed his vampire sight not for the first time that day.
“Come on tell me the truth… let me inside your head for one day.”
He started kissing my thighs, and I inhaled a short, sharp breath.
“Edward, it’s really hard to think when you do that you know…” I trailed off as I started to get excited again.
“Oh. Sorry” he murmured. I could tell he wasn’t sorry at all. He continued kissing my thighs slowly. He could tell I was enjoying this.
“Shall I stop?” he teased.
“No!” I replied a little too quickly.
He laughed his low, velvety laugh.
I blushed again as I realised I had let him onto how much I needed him. I was lucky he wasn’t able to read my thoughts. Then he would see how vulnerable I would be if he left.
I was brought back to reality when I felt him stop moving and stiffen.
I felt his eyes watching me intently. “Charlies coming” He muttered in a low voice. I sighed. Talk about bad timing.
“I have to go” he whispered in my ear.
My heart fluttered wildly with panic. “No!” I managed to gasp.
“I’ll be back, don’t you worry. You and I aren’t anywhere near finished yet.” He murmured playfully into my ear.
“Do you promise?” I was intent on binding him to this deal.
He rolled his eyes. “Oh Bella, When are you going to realise I would never leave you? You are my life.” He finished in a whisper.
And then I found myself clutching onto thin air, only his scent lingering in the air as he took off through the open window. I turned over quickly and feigned sleep as Charlie opened the door silently, making sure that I was still in my bed. In a way, I was almost grateful of the checkups each night. It was the only incentive not to run off with Edward. A few seconds after Charlie returned to his room, there was a rush of air and Edward was lying next to me again. I couldn’t explain the sense of relief when he returned, only if it was a few seconds. Is this how weak I am without him? I reflected.
It ain’t finished by the way. Constructive criticism only thank you.
Haha! Im australian so i spell realise like that. I don’t use z. :P

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